


Beyond the Light

by eternalmurasaki



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: M/M, potential ptsd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-04-23 11:58:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19150588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternalmurasaki/pseuds/eternalmurasaki
Summary: "First, hoping to finish official practice safely. Hopefully, something like last year won't happen," he said while laughing.- 14 november 2018(Nikkan sports, quote translation source: https://mobile.twitter.com/michaeljardins/status/1062716194917138432)***A new beginning.A bright new day.Yuzu is convinced that 2018-2019 season will be precisely that: a new adventure with clear weather, nothing to worry about.





	1. Sunset

A new beginning.

A bright new day.

Yuzu is convinced that 2018-2019 season will be precisely that: a new adventure with clear weather, nothing to worry about. A step taken back from his competitive state of mind to just enjoy what he loves in a simpler way.

Light, easy.

A level of self-imposed pressure tremendously lower than what he was used to, his only goal being to perform something he likes - it's somehow liberating. Training in that state of mind is a whole new experience and Brian seems to think it's good for him. Yuzu is convinced that the sun of this new adventure is at its peak as soon as he has gotten back to regular training in August - convinced that this whole season will be a long and peaceful sunny day. 

Autumn Classic however quickly puts him back on track: he had been wrong, the sun had just started poking at the horizon. That peaceful, easygoing summer had in fact just been him waking up. A season can't begin without a fire in him, right? 

He is brought back to what has always made sense to him in the past: he's not on holiday, a relaxed atmosphere is not important. What matters is for him to fight. To win. To achieve the level he wants. His failures at ACI are a blessing after all - they are the match that was destined to ignite the flame that had been missing.

The next few weeks are a mix of familiar and unknown grounds. He knows what intense training is like; adjusting choreographies, working hard on his spins and step sequences. Keeping in mind his jumps to make them solid enough by next competition. He knows his programs' music by heart - it is as if Otonal and Origin are part of his blood. They have always been somewhere inside him, pushing him to draw inspiration from his idols and to bring his own traits into the mix - not only this season, but during his whole career.

Of course he feels the urge to do these programs justice.

To do Plushenko and Weir justice.

Pressure is back, but he likes it. Veins thrumming, an urge to push himself further and further... that's what he needs. That's what he wants.

The sun is up, inside and outside. He is ready.

All he needs is the sun to stay up all season.

***

The end of the year is intense as hell, but Yuzu takes one step at a time and focuses on the present moment. There is so little time between Helsinki and Moscow that every moment matters.

He is immensely happy to have the opportunity to skate his current programs in Russia, before the eyes of people who deeply matter to him. He keeps in mind the elements he wants to improve, the changes he wants to make... it's Russia. He _has_ to be perfect, this competition encapsulates the whole meaning of his programs. The whole meaning of his origin.

So yes, he _will_ be perfect, he tells himself as he stretches his back.

Plushenko's country.

Tarasova's country.

He successfully lands a quad loop and smiles, his heart thumping excitedly. The jump's success rate is getting better.

Helsinki was bright, Rostelecom will be even brighter.

 

Yes, the outlook seems bright, but some clouds lurk at the back of Yuzu's mind. Thoughts that don't make much sense to him, so he wants to ignore them. None of the forecasts mention any clouds after all. Practise is going smoothly, he's ready for Rostelecom. Yuzu knows there's no reason for him to worry... he won't even be warming up for a competition on _that day_.

He feels stupid, rolls his eyes and quietly snorts at himself. Seriously, he should pull himself together. There's no reason for him to not be relaxed.

Rostelecom cup is after November 9.

November 9 2017 belongs to the past. Yuzu has so far been feeling in a good mental space this season, at peace with what happened and happy to start something new. He thus doesn't understand why this unexpected discomfort decided to show up. It's impossible for him to trace what is triggering this... he has no specific thought in mind, he's just confused.

He curses and closes his eyes. Tries to sleep. Maybe he just needs that bad day to come and go to let go of his meaningless anxiousness.

***

Brian gives him a pat. Tells him he's doing a good job. Everyone behaving the same as usual is all he needs.

He doesn't need anything special today because he feels _great_. He only falls once during a quad Loop attempt and all the rest goes well, Salchow included. He is almost tempted to go back to working on his quad Axel, but he shakes his head with pursed lips. He can't let this weird exhileration make him take unnecessary risks. He already has enough on his plate with the Biellmann he hasn't done in quite a while.

Focus.

Focus on Rostelecom cup.

Beillmann, spins, 4T3A.

A clean runthrough later, he breaks into a big smile when he hears cheers. Yup, the sun is still high up and will stay there. After relaxed strokes and stretches, Tracy hands him his towel and asks how he's doing.

In the end, this day has gone the best way it could: it's better that people don't mention painful memories. Brian always knows how to treat him with care without making him uncomfortable, be it in the middle of a competition that feels like it's going to hell or on dates like March 11.

 

Late at night, Yuzu watches his phone's screen as the date switches from November 9 to November 10. 

There, done. That was easy.

To his surprise, a lump is nonetheless forming in his throat. The truth is, he's not relaxed - something in him still feels uneasy.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

November 9 is obviously nowhere near March 11 and Yuzu wants to laugh at himself. 

When he thoughtlessly eyes the black screen, his mind unexpectedly makes him picture receiving a warm message. He doesn't think he had expected a message. He doesn't think he even wants one. Why should someone do that?

 _You made it_.

_How are you doing today?_

Tracy _has_ asked him that, he tells himself.

He feels ridiculous again. He's been injured so many times, he doesn't even remember the precise date each of those events happened. But November 9 2017 had been something special and the memory is still painful.

He stays motionless and looks at the ceiling. The only sound he can hear is his breath.

He tries to make himself breathe slowly but his heartrate will have none of it - his body is clearly trying to tell him something. He doesn't want to be calm.

Dark room, black screen...

Yuzu lets himself muse.

It's not that Yuzu wants this, but... It would have been nice. To receive a word.

To feel understood. 

To not feel alone, under all those layers he uses to cover up what he doesn't want to share.

He grits his teeth and suddenly feels pissed at himself.

He _does_ share, he protests. He has already shared more than enough and sometimes wishes he'd kept more of it private. 

Yes, he's actually glad no one messaged him, because today was nothing special. They don't need to know he's unreasonably tense. There's no point sharing something he himself doesn't understand. He's just being a weirdo tonight, it will go away. He knows what trauma is like, and this can't be what this is.

2017 - It's not like it had been his life that was at stake. 

Just his career.

 _"Just"_...

He's snorting but the lump in his throat is getting overwhelming. Accepting the pain that injuries inflict is one thing... accepting a different kind of pain is another story. His career _does_ mean so much for him and the thought of it getting it ripped away from him had initially felt like there would be no more point for him to still be alive.

Because if you take that away from him... what's left anyway?

Yuzu groans. Why the fuck is he letting his mind go there? _November 2017 is in the past, dammit._

He brushes his silent tears away.

 _Kuso_. Thank God no one can see him now. Thank God he's alone. He'll pull himself together tomorrow and focus on what matters.

He just quietly breathes and tries to focus on how soft and comfortable his bed is. Life sucks sometimes, but his life is great right now, right?

He unlocks his phone to look at the last pictures his sister sent him and his heart squeezes. Another deep breath - there, that's a small step.

A picture of his sister and his dad.

His sister helping a kid put skates on.

He scrolls through the app's pictures and ends up on a pic of Javi; his friend is holding up a beer bottle towards the camera like he wants to clink glasses with him.

_'congrats and kampaiii !'_

Yuzu smiles weakly. How he misses that warm smile, that gentle friend. That thought is usually painful but not today. Today, the thought is like a warm blanket.

He thinks about his family, thinks about Javi and falls asleep.

*** 

He feels peaceful when he wakes up. Who was that person last night? Not him, definitely. 

Practise goes well during the next few days. Jason and Evgenia are laughing about something, Jun's quads are getting better. Brian claps when Yuzu does a clean runthrough again and jokes that maybe Rostelecom cup is the competition Yuzu wants to peak at.

Yuzu just laughs back. He really would like to achieve something exceptional there. His usual champion mind wants him to peak at Worlds but right now, all he wants is to do his best in Russia. Maybe his heart _does_ want to peak there.

A few days later, when the plane is taking off, he feels ready.

On fire.

The Sun is still up, why the hell had he thought it was going down?

***

Otonal is a dream. New World Record, Tarasova is happy, and of course there are still things he wants to work on but he's happy too. Excited.

He puts that satisfaction aside and focuses on the next step, Free Program.

Off the ice warm-up goes smoothly, his muscles are ready. It's not as smooth on the ice - pop, pop and pop. It's alright, though. This is only morning practice. He lands some of his jumps safely, sometimes a slightly less stable way. Maybe he isn't focused enough? He knows that's rubbish.

No time to needlessly ponder anyway. Practice and careful calculations are the only things that matter.

Jump, stroke. The ice is alright today.

He looks around and thinks, counts. Visualizes a move, does another one.

He wants Tarasova to be happy tonight too. He wants Evgeni to be proud of him. He shushes his brain and goes back to focusing on what he's doing.

He's ready, it's his turn soon for the runthrough of Origin.

Crouch, stand.

Smooth slides.

All is good during the first few moments, until he jumps in the air and he knows-

Ice.

Pain.

Doomed.

_Fuck._

He gets up.

No time to overthink, no pain to show.

He can still skate, it means it can't be that bad and he must use his time carefully - he needs to think through his whole choreography again. Ponder what to keep, what to change.

Yes, maybe if he replaces that jump...

Pain is a bitch but he ignores it.

He has to do this.

He can't let his damn ankle rip his dreams away.

When his calculations are done, he swiftly bows and leaves without waiting for his music to end. What's the point? The next step is just to know what the doctor will say.

It's only when he's safely tucked in the car that he briefly stops thinking and exhales. He lets himself silently curse.

Loop.

Of all jumps... it had to be the quad loop.

Brian is talking but Yuzu can't focus. He vaguely nods and looks out the window.

Loop.

Yuzu hopes that it's not a sign that he's destined to injure himself over and over again. He quickly pushes that dumb thought away and focuses on the adjusted choreography. He takes out his phone to write down his changes just in case. Then he ponders on what he'll tell the doctor.

This unexpected turn of events feels brutal but it's not. It's lucky in some sense - he isn't instantly in the dark like last year. No, he can still skate. Can still hold on to the last sunrays before they disappear. All other emotions are kept at bay, all that is left is fighter Yuzuru Hanyu.

He can't _not_ skate tonight, it's out of question.

He won't be able to do his legendary idol justice tonight, but he must try to do 'Yuzuru Hanyu' justice. He _will_.

What matters is to make tonight a sunset that was worth fighting for.

He's able to handle difficult sunsets and make them memorable, right?

 

When he raises his hand at the end of his program a few hours later, he lets go. He was far from perfect but the sun can go to sleep. 

He'll go to sleep too, he just hopes it won't last forever.

This isn't goodbye.


	2. Night

Days when he can't train make him feel like he's in a separate universe. Having the time to stop for a long time and just watch the snowfall, with no emergency to deal with is a bit strange for him. Enjoying the sight from a cosy living room isn't too bad though, Yuzu thinks, his legs tucked under a blanket. Toronto's weather is like that, bringing ice to him when he can't go to it.

Irritation at his repeated misfortunes does sometimes sneak into his mind, but once the pain in his ankle starts to be less invasive he manages to shrug it off. It's not like he can do anything to change the situation right away, the only thing he can do is accept it and carefully follow doctors' instructions. This night is nowhere near as terrifying as the previous one.

Comparisons do help him look at the whole situation more positively, despite the fact that it brings back memories he'd rather keep buried. Most of the time he manages to convince himself that everything will be alright, that he just needs to be patient: one step at time.

Then spikes of anguish occasionally decide to break out. Yuzu feels it, acknowledges it, but minutes later takes a deep breath and tells himself he's being stupid. _He just has to be patient_... 

On those days he just wants to give up on trusting his perception. Because how can a shift of emotions in such a short span of time make sense? How can he be so relaxed all day and then unexpectedly feel down for a few minutes?

Yuzu wipes his nose and snorts. He's used to focusing on moving forwards, calculating what's left to do to be ready to compete. In the past he'd been told he too often misjudged his recovered abilities and thought he was fine when he wasn't. But what is the truth now? Which side of his emotions must he believe? He already feels like the hoplelessness he felt a few minutes ago was unjustified. Because the injury he's dealing with is clearly not that bad.

He doesn't know what to think anymore, but he tries to be as objective as possible. He likes that he has a medical team there that can judge his evolution's pace in his place. It's not his job, trusting them is what he is supposed to do. He just has to answer simple questions and do what they ask.

He likes that no one is digging too deep into asking him how he's feeling. Answering a casual "How are you doing?" on the phone or at the beginning of an appointment is easy. Sometimes he thinks one of his doctors would like to know more, but the most Yuzu can do is shrug and smile. He's ok, he actually feels honest when he says that. He's got nothing worth complaining about, other than the ankle details his team already know.

He _is_ alright most of the time.

A bonus is that this slow pace is helping him temporarily take a step back from expectations to only focus on what his body needs. Expectations, including his own, stay tucked in a corner of his mind but he can't immediately face those challenges so they have to wait.

Last year, his mind had never stopped screaming at him that the Olympics were coming, along with unnecessarily negative thoughts that the past years were a waste if he couldn't attend them. Expectations were never on pause back then.

This is different. 

He still desperately wants to be back as soon as possible, but there's less pressure to be able to compete immediately.

Yuzu smirks and bites his tongue: he just hopes no one will land a quad Axel while he's away.

He sometimes tries to stop making comparisons to last year, because he wonders if that's what's making his emotions go through weird ups and downs. But that's not easy when his team regularly says words that are supposedly encouraging: _"Look at what you did last year, you'll make it. Believe in yourself."_

Yuzu says nothing and smiles.

***

One morning, Yuzu lets himself enjoy the warmth of his bed a bit longer. He's still sleepy and the mattress just feels so good... he wants to stay there. Cosy and warm. He squeezes his eyes shut and stretches a bit - nope, he's not getting up right now. Not yet. Why leave this lovely cocoon? 

The appartment is quiet, his mom is still asleep. He probably woke up unnecessarily early again, but that's alright: more time to just relax and enjoy simple things like a warm blanket.

Yuzu sighs pleasantly and sinks deeper under the covers.

This is heaven.

His mind stays blank and Yuzu just hums, enjoying the soft pillow, soft everything.

Then unbidden memories of Javi's warm hugs come to him. Is it weird if the sensation Yuzu feels right now is similar to what he feels in that embrace? 

Comfortable. In good care. Warm.

If Otonal and Origin are carved in Yuzu's DNA, the words Warm and Gentle must be carved somewhere in Javi's, he tells himself. Along with his skater talents, but that's not what Yuzu wants to focus on right now.

He bites his lip. 

It would be nice if Javi could hug him now. 

Here.

Look at him gently, touch his cheek. In this comfortable nest instead of on the ice.

He knows it won't ever happen but... it doesn't hurt to imagine cuddling with Javi. Waking up to his smile. His soft gaze.

Yuzu sighs and pictures it. A slow blink. A soft touch.

That smile.... he wants to see that smile _now_.

He wants Javi to hold him _now_.

It's far from the first time Yuzu thinks of Javi like this. Sometimes he likes to imagine their usual embraces happening here - and sometimes, late at night, he imagines more than that, but he hasn't done that in a while. It's not that he doesn't still want him... his mood just longs for something simple, soft and warm. A fantasy a bit less out of reach.

 

He can't tell when exactly Javi became more to him than a friend... for a long time he was just that, a perfect friend. Someone close who made him laugh and gave him confidence. Settled his nerves and kept him motivated. Fueled the fighter in him to fight harder. Ignited a friendly fire in both of them - yes, such a wonderful thing existed.

Even when they had just started training together, Yuzu's heart would squeeze with incredulous amazement. Because... how was this Spanish guy so nice? Obviously talented too, or Yuzu wouldn't be there. His presence alone was enough to make Yuzu feel slightly more at ease and happy.

A few months were enough for Yuzu's mind to start voicing what he first considered to be platonic affection: _I love this skater._

Now that he thinks of it, Yuzu finds it hilarious. He does remember platonically thinking _I love him_ about another friend previously - his best friend in middle school, but... middle school was a very long time ago. Is thinking _I love him_ different when one gets older? 

Young Yuzu had continued thinking his emotions were platonic for several additional months. He was just glad that TCC had shifted from being a strange place he felt like he didn't belong to, to feeling almost as good as home.

It was in 2013 that Yuzu slowly became aware of other things. 

His heart's squeeze became a bit different when Javi hugged him... and he missed the feeling of his hands when they were gone. He surprised himself to still feel their warmth long after... that was definitely something new.

He started to doubt what his _I love him_ thoughts meant when he saw Javi walk away with his Canadian girlfriend and suddenly felt unexpectedly uncomfortable. _I just... want Javi to stay train a bit longer. Not leave that early._ But his heart was thumping and when Javi kissed her Yuzu felt uneasy.

What was that weird feeling? Was he just jealous because he'd never had a girlfriend? Frustrated because he wanted to be like Javi on that aspect too? No, that wasn't it.

In 2013, he noticed that his pulse went up every time Javi smiled at him and he felt his skin tingle at every touch. When Javi cupped his cheek one evening, Yuzu felt breathless and abruptly wished he knew what those lips would feel like.

_Oh._

This wasn't just platonic. 

Not on his side, that is.

 

Yuzu rolls his eyes. Thinking back to his past musings is amusing for him now... he had definitely learnt a lot about what wanting someone was like during those years. Even if they were never more than friends, Javi had unconsciously made him discover so much about himself. 

Yuzu stretches out to grab his phone again and groans. Did he really just waste two hours lurking in bed? _That's_ why injured Yuzu isn't a normal Yuzu. At least his mom is probably up now and it won't look weird if he gets up too. He pulls the cover away from his face and breathes in.

Time to step out of that cuddling fantasy before it hurts.

***

It doesn't take long for the fighter to be tired of waiting. Two weeks into his resting period, Yuzu's frustration is back. 

Stuck.

He is stuck and it sucks.

Does he really have to wait one more week before his team might consider letting him get back on the ice? Part of him secretly hopes that skating again could bring him a nice surprise, such as discovering that he could be ready on time for Nationals.

He tugs at his hair and sighs.

His ankle sometimes still hurts when he's simply moving around his apartment, he knows he's being stupid. There will be no Nationals for him this year.

His frustration does however make him do some unreasonable things... he curses when he sits down and his muscles hurt like hell. He probably went a bit too far with the electrodes on his thighs yesterday. But hey, he can't let his muscles disappear and if what his physiotherapist tells him to do feels unsufficient-

No, he has to calm down or his mom will make his physiothyrapist ban him from using electrodes by himself. He had just felt the urge to do something intense the previous day and it's not like he had many alternatives... he decides to be more careful before he causes more trouble.

He tries to focus on his studies. It's not because he's injured that every moment doesn't matter anymore, he should just try to make the most out of this. The count of the hypothetical number of days left however always stays on his mind... this break is needed but at this point he's starting to get desperate to see people again. Anyone. Just people who aren't there specifically for his medical condition.

Yuzu likes being alone but has limits. Part of him suddenly regrets declining TCC members' offers to visit, but he stays convinced that that was the right decision.

When he can't focus on his courses anymore, he decides to just drop it and have some fun, with something that is always a good idea...

Videogames.

***

24.

There's still a lot of time left for him to compete, Yuzu tells his mom with a cheeky grin.

Finally finding out on what day he'll be back at TCC feels like the best birthday present: just a couple of days left.

His mom cooks his favorite dinner to celebrate and Yuzu finally feels like he can breathe again. She had asked him if he wanted to call someone over, but Yuzu had declined. He'll see everyone soon anyway... when he'll be back home.

He smiles as he feels the strawberry shortcake melt on his tongue.

So delicious.

What a good day.

He's received a ton of birthday wishes, it always takes him a while to reply to them all, but he is grateful. It's still night-time but maybe, just maybe sunrise is not that far away anymore. Three weeks alone with his thoughts is way too long; he's excited, just in two days he will feel alive again. He knows it won't be easy but at least he will be back in the universe he loves.

The day ends with Yuzu's favorite fire being ignited - the friendly one. He's just about to step into his bathtub when he sees it.

_'Happy birthday Yuzu._  
_I'm counting on you to wake up the Euros champion in me ;D_  
_Me Euros, you Worlds :)_  
_More seriously, I hope you are feeling better._  
_Hope you had a good day._  
_See you soon!!'_

Had he really thought he had been back to breathing earlier? No, this is it. _This_ is home.

That familiar heart squeeze.

That quick pulse.

 _Javi_.

He bites his lip. Answering is easy.

_'More seriously? Be serious about Euros Javi :p_  
_See you soon_  
_Nice show, by the way ^^'_

He puts his phone down and steps into warmth, both physically and emotionally. He exhales. It's still night-time, but the sun can't be that far... right? 

_'lol. Thanks yuzu.'_

Yuzu falls asleep with a smile on his lips.

Yes, sunrise must be around the corner.

**Author's Note:**

> Not much Yuzuvier yet but I really wanted to explore Yuzu's feelings during those days. I had been wondering about it. Thinking about it for quite a while. And now it felt like the right moment for me to write about it.
> 
> I initially thought I'd stop here but I decided to look into what happened after.  
> Yuzu, you reached night-time, but sunlight will come back to you, ok?
> 
> I hope you liked this nonetheless. Thank you for reading.
> 
> Congrats for landing 4Lutz today Yuzu ❤. I'm so happy for you ❤ ;_;


End file.
